Uncharted Territory

I am losing it!

myunchartedterritory — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 15:13:15 +0000

I am having the mother of all days. I haven’t slept worth a darn in about 2 weeks. Even staying in bed on Sunday I was just laying there and not really sleeping. PRETENDING DOES NOT MAKE IT SO. I think I’m overextended or overstressed or over-something. I’m worried about homework. I’m worried about taxes. I’m worried about my husband – who won’t stop coughing – seriously its been months & he won’t do anything about it. I’m not spending enough time with my kids. I can’t say no to people when I really should.

Today, I’m being the worst Bitch. I swear. I’m trying so hard not to completely lose it in the class I’m in right now. I feel the biggest cry coming on and hope that somehow I can hold it together. Probably not. I’ll make a big giant fool out of myself. CRISIS! CRISIS! Where is my therapist? Why don’t I have a therapist? Who wants to be my therapist? If I sit in front of a mirror can I be my own therapist?

I need sleep, I need peace, I need a shot of Patron.

Word of the day: AVOIDANCE.

myunchartedterritory — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 16:25:00 +0000

Avoidance:

Pronunciation: \ə-ˈvȯi-dən(t)s\
an act or practice of avoiding or withdrawing from something

Homework, that is what I’m avoiding. I don’t want to do it, now I’m avoiding the housework I chose to do instead of the homework I was practicing or withdrawing from. I’m sure this is probably a syndrome or a disorder that would probably require therapy, but I don’t think my insurance covers therapy. So I’m sure I’m screwed on this. Instead I decided that I would go look up what syndrome or horrible psychological disorder I have. Instead, I found that there are too many to really understand it all without doing something that seems like homework; I’m going to go clean the bathroom instead.

I’m a social dork.

myunchartedterritory — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 04:06:52 +0000

I am funny. Hillarious. Sarcastic. I’ve got comebacks that could make a comedian stop in his tracks. I’m also unable to function in a social setting to save my life. I am great on paper. On Twitter. On Facebook. Even in an e-mail, but face to face I have performance anxiety that imagining even a room full of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s naked wouldn’t solve my problem. What is it about face to face contact that I can’t do. I know I have brains. I read, I watch the news, I know who’s President. Which Hollywood celebrity is trying to block a sex-tape or cover up an affair. I know who died (secretly you want to know you just won’t admit it). All the important things, but I can’t carry on a conversation in person without sounding completely ridiculous, having a complete brain fart or even worse spitting out a work that sounds awfully like something that I should be saying in front of my mother.

UGH! I mean is there a group therapy for this? Group therapy for Social Dorks – that’s a riot. Maybe a prescription that would make it all go away. Maybe acupuncture or something? What it the cure?

And yes, I did it again, and no I won’t talk about it. I’m going to curl up with my teddy bear and suck my thumb.

One step at a time.

myunchartedterritory — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:37:09 +0000

I think things are changing for the better. I’m glad. I need that. I did something I rarely do. I prayed. I’m more of a spiritual person that a God person. That sounds awful doesn’t it? There are forces in the universe that are far beyond human understanding. I can’t walk outside and look at the beauty of nature or people and think that this is random. I don’t but at the same time I am so absolutely turned off by organized religion that I have hard time “in the church” because I feel it’s a business and not pure. But that’s off subject. I prayed. I was answered, kind of randomly and not exactly what I was expecting but an answer is an answer. Right?

I had the mother of panic attacks yesterday. I had the most debilitating chest pains, no pain down the arm so I knew I wasn’t having a heart attack. I’ve had panic attacks before, but Holy Smack nothing like what I experienced yesterday. I did however take a 81 mg aspirin just in case. I worked on a project that just didn’t pan out. It went from bad to worse and if it could go wrong it did. What should have taken 45 minutes took the entire day. When I left to get the kids I was almost distraught. I prayed like I haven’t in a long time. Out loud. I asked for guidance. I said that this was one of those times when I needed to be carried. I needed a sign that all was not lost.

While I don’t think a $75 gift card from Best Buy was in the foreground of my mind when I asked for help, it’s what I got. $75 I didn’t expect and I didn’t have to work for and that is mine. I would have preferred $75 worth of groceries, but I’ll take what I can get. I also got a call for another job – not a big one, but every hour I can bill is a meal I can put on the table or a lunch I can pack for school. I’m just happy something positive happened because I’ve never needed it more. One step at a time will get us out of this hole. Oh, and the husband has a second job interview on Wednesday. I could use a little help with that one too.

Clarity is not always a good thing.

myunchartedterritory — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:22:43 +0000

Surprise, I’m back. I’m also wallowing in self-pity and trying desperately to dig myself out of the whole I feel I’ve fallen into. I’m am incredibly depressed right now. I rarely say that, I’m usually in full force mania 24/7/365, unfortunately it’s all hit me at once. BAM!

I’m sure somewhere in here I’ve said this before, but I’m unemployed. I have found a little contract work, but all of a sudden its dried up like a grape in the sun. Not one call, not one e-mail. I feel abandoned yet again. I was abandoned by my place of employment. Not so much by the economy like I tell people, but because I couldn’t do anything for them. I couldn’t parlay my “contacts” into money & advertising for them. Maybe I should rephrase that – I would never use my friend/acquaintances or anything else to make money in business. I’ve met some influential people in the town I live in – I could tell you some funny stories. I have direct contact with some incredibly wealthy businessmen – but I’m not going to get them to come to your party or anything else. Its not me. I’m not pushy, I’m not a salesman and I am not your “matchmaker”. It’s unfortunate for me now, but it will be more unfortunate for you later, because Karma is a Bitch and what comes around goes around and the way you treat people will come back to you. Remember that when everything you’ve worked for implodes.

I live with a wonderful man, who doesn’t know how to communicate well and doesn’t like to deal with the emotional aspect of things. I understand, but in our current family fiscal crisis I don’t have anywhere to turn but him and he just doesn’t have it in him to help me. His job is in crisis as well and the stress is kind of overwhelming for both of us. We are both a little frazzled and deal with it by withdrawing – not good I know, but now is not a time to press the issue. I know that I need to reach out to some people, but instead I’m alienating people or ignoring people because I just can’t deal with small talk and fluff. Is this wrong? Do I deal with the problems in my life that are affecting my long term outlook or petty interactions with my everyday life. I can’t get my mind focused on anything and find that accomplishing something as simple as laundry or a clean bathroom is next to impossible. Oh, that bathroom looks clean, but it’s not. It’s like I start cleaning a room, find that its overwhelming or see the futility in it (because with 2 little boys & one big boy aka The Husband it won’t stay that way long) that I move on to the next task and never finish just one.

I can’t pay my bills, but drive a ridiculous luxury car because we can’t get out of the lease. I have tons of junk in my house but my husband’s a pack rat and won’t get rid of anything because of sentimental value. He doesn’t need to see it, just pack it away in a box. Why in the F— do I need to keep some of the most ridiculous crap in the world? Seriously, I have a box of Desert Storm Military Trading Cards. Seriously. I have boxes of stuff my mother gave me to sell. Why couldn’t she sell it? I’ll tell you why, because she can’t be the one who got rid of it so I have to be the one to do the dirty work. I get to keep the money, the problem with that is that I have NO F-N clue what this stuff is worth.

I need a hug, a really good orgasm, some drugs that make me focus, unfortunately those drugs (and I’m talking the prescription kind) don’t work on me, they have uber-strength on me and I go a little nuts-o on them. I’m just screwed and today I just realized I’m screwed and I don’t know how to go forward.

I need a shrink

myunchartedterritory — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:52:28 +0000

I’m horribly shy – horribly. I have a hard time looking into people’s eyes when I talk to them. I feel insecure, lost and totally and utterly inept in every social situation. I can come up with the exact perfect thing to say – witty comments etc., but usually this occurs about 5 hours after the conversation where I needed those lines. I am loyal, trustworthy, wildly imaginative and possess the most insane sense of humor on the planet. I just can’t convey that to people I meet on the street, or even see everyday.

I want very badly to overcome all these fears and insecurities. I want to find that large group of girlfriends. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. Good friends. They are just few and we’ve known each other forever. Some of my friends don’t have the wonderful flexible husband I do that lets them run out whenever they want. That kind of puts a damper on happy hours and other things, but late night phone calls after the kids go to bed. An occasional breakfast after dropping the kids off or the I just opened a bottle of wine – I know its 10 but run down and have a glass with me.

I don’t really know how to overcome my fear of rejection and random insecurities. I want to be different, I want to experience different things in life. I just don’t know how to start. I hope I figure it out before I’m 80.

How do you define A Moment?

myunchartedterritory — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 03:04:00 +0000

As I went for my nightly walk I began to think about moments. I hit the back corner of the lake where its kind of overgrown where the vegetation obscures the view of the lake. It was sunset and the light hit the trees in such a way that it lit up my soul. Although walking by myself, there were people everywhere on the trail – walking their dogs, riding their bikes or running and all I wanted to do was lay down and watch the way the light played on the leaves. I must have had an amazing look on my face because all of a sudden I got tons of smiles from people going by. I had a new pep in my step as I turned around and made my way back to my car. But what kept running through my mind was:

What constitutes a moment? The definition of moment is a comparatively brief period of time. That’s not the answer I’m looking for, so maybe I should rephrase that question. What makes a moment? What makes it special? Sure its different for everyone. Most people wouldn’t go ga-ga over the way the light hits the leaves in a tree and there are moments every minute of every day. But what makes some so much more special and worth remembering. A sound? A view? The person (or people) with you? A touch? A feeling? All of the above?

Nature is where I find peace and tranquility. I like to hear the leaves rustling in the wind, the way the light touches things, the warmth of the sun (well not in the heat of summer, but you know what I mean), the cool of the breeze, the sounds of the birds, water. It is there that I find my mind its where I find some of my best peaceful moments. Where my mind wanders and shows me something new. Avenues I could or should explore, a express desire to act like I’m 8 and twirl around with my hands outstretched. I love to do that – if you ever see a walker turn around on the path once or twice in a row, its probably me. I pretend its so I can check the path and look out for what’s coming and going, but it always makes me smile.

A moment is different for everyone, everywhere. There are moments with my family I will remember forever. There are peaceful moments that give me clarity and inspiration. You can’t make a moment – it just happens.

The begining…

myunchartedterritory — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 16:47:36 +0000

When I was little I wanted to be a singer, I still sing to almost everything I hear when I know the words. The problem is that I am so tone deaf that when I sing birds drop out of the sky and dogs start to howl. Somewhere around 9 years old, I realized singing wasn’t for me. Then I decided to pursue acting, and that dream got flushed down the drain when my drama/speech teacher informed me the only reason she cast me in a secondary roll was because I could “contain” and keep the star “in-line”. I then started to write poetry, and got published (even if it was a school publication). Mainly I wrote poetry because I could write about emotions – I don’t think I really had enough life experience to write about anything else.

My mother, bless her, has always wanted to see me in a money-making career or a career with stability. What mother doesn’t want that for her child? Unfortunately, trying to please her I have completely misplaced that creative spark I always had.

Then one day I read a post from Why We Write written by Hart Hanson, the creater of the Fox show Bones, who wrote:

I write because I’m totally confused by the world. I never know what’s going on. I absolutely never know what absolutely anything absolutely means. I ask and the good-hearted, intelligent souls around me do their best to explain but I don’t get it. I don’t get quiddity or science or religion or psychology or why we laugh when people fall down or why people come together or why we drift apart. I don’t understand my friends or my enemies and I definitely don’t understand time or gravity or mob mentality or Crocs or botox or why people take some other people seriously when they so very, very obviously should not be taken seriously.

It made me want to try again. To pull the strange thoughts, stories or characters out of my head and put them on paper. I’ve spent the summer home with my two adorable children. I started walking in the evening, mainly to get a moment of quiet at the end of the day, but it has made me rediscover nature and rekindled my creative spark. I walk and I’ve almost had to start carrying a tape recorder because so many ideas and stories run through my head as I walk. It clears my mind, it gives me peace and lets me explore parts of my brain I usually ignore while trying to keep my children from killing each other fighting. I am truly lucky to have found a man who has never once tried to hold me back. While trying to figure out what the heck direction I want to go in my life/career, he has been totally supportive of my decision to explore this avenue and exploration into the Uncharted Territory of my brain.

A journey begins with a single step, walk with me.